Goodbye My Son

Armed with a fresh tube of waterproof mascara she approaches the microphone

We had. so. much. Fun.

There are only a handful of places I’ve known, all of my life, I’d never want to be. And this is one of them Thank you for being here with me

I read something recently that Rick Warren sent out. It was a list of positive things that can come from tragedy. On that list was the gift of Community. What this community, what you all have given me is impossible to express. It has given my heart the hope that it can go on beating. A little bit longer. And that I can smile again.

Through Jared’s passing I’ve experienced friendships in a new way I’ve never seen. The price has been very high. To describe the loss of your child is much like describing the birth of your child when they first enter your life. The depth of maternal love. It isn’t possible really. With words.

There is a depth to the pain as there is a depth to the joy that surpasses understanding.

My boy came into my life and he taught me how to put myself aside. He taught me how to sacrifice willingly and freely albeit never quite perfectly.

He brought incredible joy and friendships and meaning to my world I’d never had.

We started new traditions. Things you believe you might pass on to your grandchildren. Maybe even your grandchildren’s children. Like whip cream fights in the back yard. Tie Dye in the summertime. Or dragging your sorry self up many many many steps in the Eiffel Tower as they sprint to the top without you. Getting them lost in the LARgest department store in Paris. Nutella. Christmas stockings in bed. Or waking up with a smile.

Jared had such a thirst for adventure. And a need for speed ! He could tear up the ski slopes and weave in and out of traffic ahead of all the police cars

My husband came home one day and said

Baby I was sitting at the stop sign today and this bicycle came flying past right through the stop sign through the intersection and I looked and realized. That was Jared !

I bet he was having so much fun that day. But he had his serious side. The side that wanted everything to work out and I can say I’ve never seen anyone work so hard at trying to make life work.

It is impossible to imagine that the boy I poured my life into has gone off with out me. That our great toil was in vain. But the time God gave us was not in vain. So many beautiful things have grown into so many lives. Jared’s friends have poured out blessings to me. Teaching me in just this short time since he passed away how much he meant to so many others. I keep hearing stories about my son and the love and encouragement he gave his friends. I shared some of those with you in the handout.

Jared was a sensitive soul. I know that soul. It bruises easily. Forgives freely. Loves fiercely. Gives gently. And Needs. Greatly.

When he had a passion. Everyone knew it. From teaching the work crew about what NOt to put in the garbage can. To the long lecture I got one year about the terrible atrocity committed each time someone cut down a live Christmas tree. He knew where he stood on all things at all times.

When you’re brilliant. And Jared was. Things can look so complex. But I believe it’s simplicity we need to find. “The greatest commandment is this. To love one another” so simple. As I walk ever so truly through the valley of the shadow of death. I must. fear. not. Easier said than done. I know God is my strength. My rod and my staff. He will comfort me. And memories will linger. Forever.

When Jared invited the lord into his life he did it longingly Without reservation. And yet he was still searching. Looking for that better place he hoped to find. We All hope to find. But life is a journey meant to construct our hearts into the likeness of one we cannot fathom. To teach us to live with a comfort. In times of trouble. But doesn’t take trouble away.

I find as I look back over the life I lived with the boy of my dreams that so many moments passed me by unnoticed. It’s easy to take for granted the fleeting smiles and tender questions of our little ones. To look toward their future and not their present. Never knowing that a future will be present after all.

I pray I’ll live more for today as I walk through the years that follow Jared’s passing. Say I love you more. Say you’re lovely more. Thank you for loving me. More.

I’m going to miss my boy.

If I could have given my life for my son. I would have gladly done so. I begged God to take me instead. He had so much more to offer. God said I gave my life for you ….

Next week I see another birthday. Jared sees no more.

I’ll miss his cards.

Remember me when all goes quiet

Today. Let’s celebrate the life he gave us.

Jared never met a tree he didn’t like, never met a plant he didn’t harvest out of a neighbor’s yard to plant in his own.

There are seeds in the leaves on the tables, if you’d like to plant a Jared garden please take one home with you and remember him when your flowers bloom – or grab a primrose to plant in memory of him.

And when you see someone in need, touch them

And see what will grow from your love